More Love to Thee, O Christ

There's knowledge, then there's essence.

When I get down to the root, to the motive, to the base of my actions and thoughts, I find a lot of them are not built on Jesus. I know that they should be, but knowing does not equate to being (but it often tricks me into thinking so). I know I should study for the glory of God, yet I do it for myself and my parents. I know I shouldn't sin for the sake of my relationship with God, yet when (emphasis on "when") I don't sin it's because of 面子 and fear of wrath. I know I should serve for God, yet I often do it because I feel responsible to man. I know I should love others for the sake of glorifying God, yet I often do it out of pride or convenience.
And that is why I often fail. I can't study at my full potential, I always end up slipping in sin, I'm often ashamed of my servitude, I can't truly love others.
I lack love towards God. I know I should love Him more, but I don't. But I do wish.

Love takes effort, or else it's probably not love.
So how do I love God more? Is it a natural feeling? Perhaps on a higher level. Since love takes effort, I shouldn't wait to wonder how I can get this feeling to come out, and rather start making effort for it to grow.
Do I give offerings to Him? Do I praise Him? Do I thank Him? Do I make myself accountable to Him? Do I pro-actively build up my relationship with Him?
I need to start.

"More love to thee, O Christ, more love to thee!
Hear thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to thee;
more love to thee, more love to thee!"

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. (Matthew 22:37-38)

with all my heart

After a brother commented on an old facebook video of MVP 2010 hymn singing, I went to listen to it again. I remember it was the last hymn singing session of that seminar and we just sat down in a circle and sang all the hymns that we learned during that seminar, it was an amazing experience.

Listening to it again, it made me think back of how awesome it was being able to be there and how joyful, peaceful, and determined I felt. As I listened to the song Praise, I Will Praise You Lord, the last verse we sang struck me.

Serve, I will serve You Lord
with all my heart,
O God I will tell the wonders of Your grace
hallelujah
Serve, I will serve You Lord
with all my heart,
in You I will find the source of all my joy,
hallelujah
(Grady uploaded all of the songs here)

Here we were at MVP singing about serving God. It felt very powerful and I felt like I could feel all the determination and zeal in the singing. The second line came, "with all my heart". Can I say I've been serving God with all my heart? This voice of half a year ago that sang so confidently made me feel ashamed. It showed me how far from my all I have gone. I guess it serves as a reminder.
May I use this message of the past to remind me to praise, love, and serve God with all my heart.

God is my Security

"The real world"

Lately I've been putting together my resume, researching companies, and seriously thinking about where I want to go in my career. It's actually a wake-up call, but it's a wake-up call on two levels.

The first level is how prepared I am. As I put together my resume, I realize in terms of the world I am nothing. Or at least, in terms of the society that I live in (because of course if I compare myself to the average person in the world, I am extremely extremely blessed i.e. elementary school education... even up to college, understanding the two most popular languages in the world, living in a bug free bed in a temperature controlled room, ...too many) I have not much to boast about - A no-name university, average GPA, lack of extra-curricular activities, lack of work experience. I realized that jobs don't just come to people and there has to be a reason for people to hire you. It's like all of a sudden I realized why people were so motivated starting from high school to get into this honors society or fight for that grade or do these weird competitions and projects that seemed to have nothing to do with my own life which consisted of doing my homework, going to church and taking up hobbies that genuinely interested me. They were preparing to secure their own future, they were preparing themselves an image to show those recruiters and interviewers so that they can get a stable job. As for me, I was caught unprepared, and it was a wake-up call to me, of how little I have been preparing for my own future, and where my lackadaisical attitude toward school has led me, and where I stand as a person in this world. This was the first wake-up call.

As I began to feel more and more insecure from the first wake-up call, the second one occurred to me. Where is my faith? Where is my trust and reliance on God? Where is the not worrying in Matthew 6? It revealed to me my faith, and this was the second wake-up call.
The most important thing in life is that I have Jesus. Fleshly desire and logic tell me that I won't be happy unless I live a very financially stable life. But observing others tells me that both the rich and the poor can lead miserable lives and both the rich and the poor can lead happy lives, but the one who has Jesus in the boat will have peace. I must not lose focus on Jesus, I want Him to be my All.

That is not to say I am not going to care about my worldly career, but on the contrary I have a renewed determination to be more competitive in this world. My attitude must change though, to do it for the glory of God, not for my own glory or security.
I find the more I rely on Him, the more I hope in Him.

P.S. The thought came to mind of taking time after school to go to Taiwan and really catch up with all my relatives there, and at the same time working on various self-motivated computer projects (to build on my skill sets). That would be pretty awesome, given that my parents would pay for my expenses (until I can repay) and that I can diligently work on those projects and achieve some results.

the day of the Lord is at hand

I read about the recent news where thousands of birds were falling to the ground: http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/01/03/arkansas.falling.birds/index.html
And then after that I also saw the fish deaths, other birds falling in other places... etc. Then I also thought about the recent earthquakes and war rumours.
Of course nowadays not few Christians are thinking about the end days.

So last night I was dreaming about the end of the world. It's kind of blurry to me but I remember there were natural disasters like floods, sudden unexpected fires, people swimming getting out of the ocean and asking for help, etc. And during my dream, I kept thinking "it's the end times" and I kept wondering when I was going to tell my close non-Christian friends that they gotta believe in the Bible and get baptized or else it's over. Especially since salvation will be closed in the end days and those that are saved are saved and those that aren't will not be able to get in. In the past (in real life) I already talked to them about church and God and asked them to come, but this time in my dream it was different. There was an urgency. I felt like perhaps salvation is already closed or at any moment, the end of the world will come and at that time it's too late. My friends will be gone. At the same time, I also felt myself unprepared. Last quarter our evangelical night theme for campus evangelism was the second coming and on our flyers was printed "Are You Ready?" I'm not. I still feel I have so much to do, yet I lack the strength to do it.

The saying "If Jesus were to come tomorrow" felt very real and practical last night. On Monday during an ICF Bible study on Luke 12:35-48 we read,
"And if he should come in the second watch, or come in the third watch, and find them so, blessed are those servants" (Lk 12:38)
"Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect" (Lk 12:40)
"the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him, and at an hour when he is not aware" (Lk 12:46)
During my second and third watches I'm totally not sober, not vigilant, not watching. My mind wanders and I slack off. It says the Son of Man will come when we don't expect Him, when we are not looking for Him, at an hour when we are not aware.

May I become more watchful and prepare myself all the more as that Day draws near. May I stop waiting until it becomes too late. May I work while it is day, for the night is coming.

Trip Down Guilt Lane

Today I was taking a nap around lunch time, and my roommate who’s working at Panda Express texts me and it reads “come”. I know he’s talking about going to Panda so that I can get hooked up with food. So I grab my other roommate and go over. At the line, he’s about to be the one that takes care of us when his manager comes up to him and tells him to go help out in the back. So instead we get other people giving us the food. Once we get to the cashier, my roommate who walks by the cashier whispers to her to let us have it for free. For some reason I thought we were just getting a discount so I give her my debit card and she kind of laughs and then she pretend swipes it and give us a blank receipt.

For some reason I felt very guilty and I kept feeling I was doing something wrong. Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit rebuking me. Getting hooked up with discounts is one thing, getting it for free even though the manager doesn’t really allow it is another. Another thing is that other people were involved, people that I didn’t know. I also felt it was quite unfair that even though I wasn’t poor or in any financial trouble, I didn’t need to pay a penny to get some food while other people had to get ripped off by the place’s prices. I also thought back to when my dad said that he would sit in the economy class on the train even though he could easily afford a higher class.

So I felt really guilty. I felt I didn’t make a good impression on that stranger. I felt like I cheated. I felt like I stole 7 bucks. I think next time I don’t want any hook-ups unless it’s something the manager would be okay with.

Not By Bread Alone

Pastor Chen encouraged the congregation to read 1 chapter of Bible a day and to write a reflection for each chapter daily.
Thank God a lot of members were moved to take on this task. This is also my New Year's Resolution, and hopefully I can keep it on the very top of my priority list.
I've set up a blog: http://breadforwells.blogspot.com/
so I can look back at old reflections.

"Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." (Mt 4:4)

Shrewd as a Snake, Innocent as a Dove

Perhaps I should be more shrewd.

On a trip to San Diego, my family and I check in to a resort. I made the reservations for the place and I remember getting 2 queen beds for the room. However the receptionist says that the reservation was for a single King size bed. My dad starts saying that's very unlikely. As for me, I second guess myself and think perhaps I rushed while I was on the website. Then they continue to say that there are no more rooms with 2 queen beds available. So we just tell them okay that's fine since we're already here and they bring in 2 extra beds into the room plus $50 more credit to use. However, at the time I made the reservations, I copied the reservation number online because I noticed that they didn't give me an e-mail/receipt. So once we get into our single King bed room I turn on my laptop, get on their free wifi and check the reservation. Turns out that I didn't make any mistakes and the reservation clearly states "Grand Guestroom 2 Queen Beds". I guess they figure no one ever copies down the reservation number. I tell my dad that perhaps we can go down to the reception and prove to them that we did have a 2 bed room and perhaps they'll give us either more credit or give us some discount for their wrong but he says it's fine.

It's interesting that they would lie to us like that. My dad on the one hand was actually trying to expose that they were lying by kind of complaining at the reception because he had suspected they were doing something behind the scenes. As for me, I just kept second guessing myself as to whether I reserved it correctly and kept hinting at my dad that it might be my fault. But he seemed sure it was their problem.

Reasons why they might pull something like that? I suspect there were very few rooms left and perhaps someone richer or something really wanted a two bed room and perhaps they were staying longer (versus us who were only staying for one night). So then the people say they can pull some strings to get them a two bed room. *shrugs*

In any case, I think it's a good lesson for me to learn. To be more shrewd and not trust strangers so easily. Man this world is corrupt.